Jazz Jokes – by and inspired by Ronnie Scott’s jazz humour…..

A gospel singer had a drink problem so joined Alcoholics Anonymous – now she drinks under an assumed name.

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The Australian drummer Len Barnard said that Pee Wee Russell’s face looked like the last four bars of “Tiger Rag”

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A couple goes to see a marriage counsellor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other. The counsellor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. So he pulls out his upright bass and starts taking a solo. Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months. Shocked by this, the couple asks the counsellor: “How did you know that would work?

“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

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Ronnie Scott – “I was on one of those jazz cruises which sail out of New York. Amongst the wonderful jazz artists on the ship was Sarah Vaughan. I have been a lifelong admirer of Sarah and we finished up drinking in this little bar very late into the night. We both got rather drunk and I asked her to marry me, but she threw up and went to bed”. 22-04-19

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“I’m not a princess,” said the pretty girl, “I’m an investment consultant. And even if I could by kissing turn you back into a jazz musician I assure you you’re financially better off remaining as a frog!”  (BH 17-06-18)

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Ronnie-isms…..

“I really love this place, it has made a happy man very old.”

“The food is great here, a million flies can’t be wrong.”

“Quiet please, you’re not here to enjoy yourselves.”

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Ronnie original – We’ve got a sensational new group playing at the club for the next two weeks….tenor sax player Stan Getz is back and is joined in the front line by the jazz violinist Stuff Smith…..It’s called the Getz stuffed quintet…

Ronnie claimed he got a slipped disc from the efforts he made leaning over backwards to please Getz.

“All the great jazzmen are going,” Ronnie said when he heard of the death of Stan Getz in 1991. “I don’t feel so good myself.”

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Q:  How many girl vocalists does it take to sing “Summertime”?

A”  All of them.

From Bill Haesler in Australia.

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What’s the difference between  scud missile and a bad oboist?

A bad oboist can kill you.

 

What’s the dynamic range of a bass trombone

On or off.

 

What’s the latest crime wave in New York city?

Drive by trombone solos.

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In violinist Joe Venuti’s band there was a saxophone player who kept tapping his foot slightly off the beat. Joe couldn’t stand it. He went out and got a hammer and nail and nailed he guy’s shoe to the bandstand.

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A little Ellingtonionana from Declan:
1959 The Duke is in the studio teaching the band his music for the film Anatomy of a Murder. Paul Gonsalves sees a blank space on his music and asks Duke what he plays at that point ” Ah baby” says Duke with his gracious smile “That’s where you take over on the adlibsophone”

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Right before going on stage, a band leader finds his bass player completely distraught.

“What’s the matter?” He asks

“The piano player has de-tuned one of my strings.” He sobs.

“So, what’s the problem?”

“He won’t tell me which one!”

Q: How many jazz purists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 40. 1 to change the bulb and 39 to complain that it’s electric.

 What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? The rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 1,000 people, the jazz guitarists plays 1,000 chords for 3 people.

Kenny G has made a new album featuring his own adaptations of Thelonious Monk compositions. The album includes some truly unforgettable tracks such as ‘Round Noon’ and ‘Straight No Changes’.

PIANIST: “OK, I’ll Remember April. First six bars in Ab. Bar 7 modulate down to F. Bar 12, back up to Ab but in 7/8.”

SINGER: “That’s crazy! I couldn’t possibly do that!”

PIANIST: “You did last night . . . “

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is

Ronnie – Pygmies travel half way round the world just to come here and dip their arrows in the soup….

We will now play a number from the be bop idiot…er…idiom.”

If Coleridge Goode, Thad Jones and Dudley Moore formed a group they would call it, “The Good, the Thad, and the Dudley.”

“I had an uncle who wrote ‘9th street Rag’, ’10th Street Rag’, and ’11th street Rag’, then he died…”

“His mother was a titled lady, she was the Southern Area Light-Heavyweight Champion…”

When in the club and Ronnie was busy compering, and you got up and headed for the toilet/john/can, you were liable to be informed thus,
“You won’t hear us, but we will hear you!”

“There were so few people in the club last Monday that we opened with Tea For One…”

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“Avat-garde jazz is written by people shooting watermelon seeds at blank music paper.” Robertm

This is the flip to the jazz fan in heaven. He dies, wakes up in a jazz club, looks on stage and sees, Trane, Miles, Wes, Bill Evans, Mingus, turns to the person next to him and says, wow, I never thought I’d make it to heaven. Companion says wait a bit. Then in walks Karen Carpenter with her drumsticks…
Brad

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A rooster is getting ready to retire from his gig at the Farm. He sent the word out to some young roosters to come up and audition for the gig.
The first young rooster comes up and scats Bird’s solo on Night in Tunisia, nothing happens, the sun doesn’t come up, no dogs start barking, nothing.
The next young rooster comes up and does Trane’s solo on Giant Steps, still nothing happens.
A third rooster comes up and does Ornette’s thing on Ramblin still nothing happens.
the Old Rooster says, “why you sad #$%&@s” ,and clears his throat gives a little cough and cries out COCK A DOODLE DO, COCK A DOODLE DO!
The sun comes up, dogs start barking, the farmer wakes up and all the rest. The old rooster looks at younger ones and says…
“I TOLD YOU SAD ASTERISKS YA GOTTA LEARN THE STANDARDS FIRST !!”

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I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? – Tommy Cooper

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More jokes welcome – just mail them to us but keep them clean please!

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